We know that workplace violence has become a very big issue in the world of workers’ compensation. The nation continues to see an uptick in the number of incidents and severity of injuries from this phenomenon. While the vast majority of victims of workplace violence remain in the healthcare industry, those people who deal with an increasingly irrational public are seeing their fair share of violent acts in the workplace. So, when an idiot completely screws up an alcohol infused rampage in not one but two public businesses, we have to take a moment to comment on his efforts.

In Springdale, Arkansas this week an intoxicated homeless man went on what is being described as a mini-rampage where he allegedly attacked a manager of a Dollar Tree store and a woman inside a Wendy’s Restaurant. His weapons of choice? Well, in the Dollar Tree he selected a frozen box of Pizza Bagels. In the Wendy’s, he opted for the more traditional old school method, and simply used his hand.

Authorities say the man got into an argument with a cashier at the Dollar Tree before attempting to steal a box of “Bagel Bites.” Apparently, they frown on you trying to steal their merchandise at the Dollar Tree, and are particularly protective of their Bagel Bite inventory, as the attempted theft led to a manager getting involved. When that happened, our wayward brute is said to have pushed his way out of the store. The manager made what most risk managers will tell you is a grave error; they followed him outside. That is when this thug unleashed his fury and hit our heroic manager in the head “with the box of pizza bagels.”

The ruffian then marched straight to a nearby Wendy’s, where he slapped a woman inside the restaurant.

He must have been experiencing a stressful day. He should try yoga, or some transcendental meditation.

Now, we obviously do not condone or encourage workplace violence of any kind, but clearly this bloke made mistakes in his mission to create havoc. Other louts in prison with him are likely to mock his use of pizza bagels as a weapon of choice. Every dollar store hoodlum knows that frozen burritos are the food-based weapon of choice. And slapping a female fast-food worker who hasn’t even yet had the chance to screw up your drive-thru order? Well, that just screams rank amateurism. The guy is clearly a novice when it comes to doing really stupid things. He botched this up bigly. 

(Side note: I originally got the word “bigly” from the 2016 Presidential election, where Donald Trump kept saying things like, “We are going to win, bigly.” Experts say he was actually saying “Big League,” when I just thought it was the incorrect use of a word that didn’t actually exist. I found out while writing this article it is an actual word, meaning “to a great extent; on a large scale.” Who knew? Well, besides Donald Trump….) 

And this just in – further research (OK, I clicked on a second link) tells us the woman in the Wendy’s was a customer, which really makes no sense. She would have no way to screw up the guy’s drive-thru order.

One thing this guy did get right from the Roberts Rules of Disorderly Conduct Handbook; he made the police struggle to detain him when they arrived. That will earn him a smidgen of street cred with his roommates in the pen. He should have held on to those pizza bagels. They would serve him well in the prison economy.

For his efforts he is now facing charges of felony robbery, misdemeanor second-degree assault, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. His bail has been set at $3,500, or in Dollar Tree vernacular, about 3,500 boxes of Pizza Bagels. 

That is the going price for screwing up your act of workplace violence.

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