I am working on some very significant article projects at the moment. Really groundbreaking stuff. From revelations on MSA’s to groundbreaking thoughts on disability avoidance, I have some very useful articles in the works.

Unfortunately for you, this isn’t one of them.

I have been laid out sick this week, in a highly unusual second within a year occurrence of some type of cold turned bronchitis kind of crap. However, under the guiding philosophy of better living through chemistry, I am NyQuil’d up and back at my cluttered desk. It must be the medicine talking, but I found last night, while perusing the news, what has to be thought of as the worst job in the world.

Spoiler alert – if you are easily offended by the discussion of primate genitalia then this is a good place to stop reading and go peruse the funny pages.

The story was about a scientific study just released that determined “there is a correlation between infidelity and the size of a male’s testicles”.  The study by scientists at the University of Oslo found that primates with bigger testicles were more likely to be unfaithful. Apparently the bigger the balls, the greater the hauls, so to speak.

Now for those of you unaware, the true story here is that science is clearly running out of things to look at, but they still apparently have some government funding to burn through.

These scientists compared the life style of different types of ape species, Bonobos and Gorillas. Bonobos, who despite the sound of their name are not a family from the Jersey Shore, apparently mate in large groups and are known for having huge testicles. Well, maybe they are from the Jersey Shore. The same cannot be said for Gorillas. The lead researcher, or at least the only one willing to be quoted in association with the story, said, “In gorilla troops there is only one male. Even though the gorilla has a small harem, he has no need for large testicles – his balls are tiny.”

Now, I have many underlying suspicions about this survey. If you read the source story, found here, you will find the scientists in this study sound like they’ve been stood up at one too many proms. They seem to lay the blame for infidelity not on the male possessing the large equipment, but rather his female partners. The spokesperson proceeds to draw an analogy that human testicles are one and a half times the size of gorilla testicles, so therefore, “This testifies with abundant clarity to life in our flock. We can pledge our fidelity until we are blue in the face, but this is evidence that our females are cheating.”

And people think I'm the misogynist. I read that article three times, and I still don't know what the hell they are talking about. Their explanations simply do not make sense to me.

Ok. So potentially nerdy scientists left holding the corsage on prom night are exacting their revenge; but now to the true point of this story. Never mind your opinion of the usefulness of this particular study; the real observation here is this: Someone had to actually measure the testicles. Talk about low man on the primate totem pole. How would you like to be the guy explaining to the Bonobo why you have to measure his balls? Even worse, how would like to be the one having to explain to the gorilla that his are tiny, even by human standards? I don’t know what the injury incident rate is for this type of position, but I suspect it is quite high. Bonobos and gorillas are generally not known for their congeniality.

What is the title of this person? Bonobo Ball Assessor? Primate Plum Processor? Yam Bag Volumizer? And if these guys thought getting a date was tough before the study, here is a news flash: Women likely don't want to date someone who makes his living analyzing monkey junk.

No, this has to be the worst job ever, even if they were just trying to burn up excess government funding.  I can think of better things for science to do than prove human females cheat based on the size of Bonobo balls. Perhaps they could search for a cure for the common cold turned bronchitis kind of crap. That would be useful. It may just be the medicine talking, but it would have spared you the pain of this article…..

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