I normally do not write about frilly, silly, romantic things, but will make an exception for this. The relentless march of technology, it seems, is fast retooling the human experience, and the realm of intimate mate selection is no exception. Now there is word that an app is coming that should keep the folks in Human Resources busy for years to come. 

Consider it virtual speed dating for those with purely carnal intent.

It started, as all things nowadays seem to do, as a simple app on Facebook, innocently called “Bang a Friend”. That is a program designed to help amorous people cut through the chatter and get right to the end point. It apparently takes those with a mutual interest in one another from the point where they used to exchange phone numbers to where they now just exchange STD’s. 

It apparently works like this: Let’s say a young man has met a young woman that he would like to “bang”. Back in my day, he would have had to endure potentially humiliating physical endeavors such as asking her for a date, or for a phone number, having her laugh in his face in a crowded cafeteria, or explain to the police why he was in the Elm tree directly opposite her bedroom window. Should his initial forays have proven successful, there would still have been the arduous and inefficient task of dating – taking her to dinner and movies and the like, as well as learning important things about her like if she has a cat and if it has a name. This app cuts through all that malarkey. Today, the same young man could simply tag the woman to indicate his interest. If she shares a common interest in him (aka she wants to “bang” him), she would tag his profile, and they then are both notified that a mutual interest exists, and presumably the banging may commence. The entire process is confidential until a mutual interest is detected, therefore the embarrassment of rejection and abject failure is presumably avoided. 

The kids in Audio/Visual will be all over this. I hate to burst their bubble, but they are still going to be alone on Saturday night. But with this app they will get there much faster and without trespass warrants.

Now, due to the success of the original version, there is apparently an app on the way that will perform the same function off of the business network LinkedIn. Clearly the process has matured a bit, as this app has the much softer name of “Bang a Professional”. It is designed to perform essentially the same function as “Bang a Friend”, but to facilitate that activity amongst co-workers and other business contacts. 

On the short term, this actually may alleviate some issues for those overworked souls in human resources. The direct, overt actions that once constituted sexual harassment may be abated somewhat with this program. Now professionals who would like to “bang” Stephanie in Accounting or Phil in Facilities will be able to tag their appropriate profile from their connections list, and then sit alone in their cubicles to await the final result. Of course, they may be waiting a long time, and that is where the potential problems begin. Amorous and sexually frustrated people are a pesky lot, and may not be satisfied with dying in their cubicle alone. Having experienced a virtual rejection, they may escalate their physical responses as such – meaning they are angry at Phil and Stephanie for spurning them without the two of them having a clue there is a problem. This would be compounded if it turns out Phil and Stephanie had already bang tagged each other, and were caught in the mailroom consummating their new relationship. At least traditional sexual harassment gives the opportunity for early intervention. And trespass warrants.

The other HR nightmare, of course, is the inevitable fallout from those few successful connections, when the resultant banging causes emotional fallout in the office. Companies may wish to institute a “No Bang Tagging” policy to get out in front of this trend. 

This concept does have real growth potential. Authors of those handy conference smartphone apps could even expand it with a “Bang a Conference Attendee” module. That way conference attendees could plan their day, select their sessions, research the speakers, and then blow the whole thing off if the cute woman or man in the WidgetsUSA booth happens to bang tag them back. 

Even though HR will hate this, divorce lawyers will love it.

The ramifications of this are significant. Clearly the guys in IT (the former audio/visual kids of the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s) will be early adopters of this technology. Beyond that I envision a lot of pudgy, middle aged balding men climbing on to the bang tagging wagon. 

I hope they are tagging each other. Otherwise it will be a pretty lonely Saturday night.

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