This event happened in Louisiana a couple weeks ago, but due to travel and this week’s dedication to Comp Laude® stories we never got around to it. Maybe it was better that way. It might have been good if we skipped it altogether, but I just can’t help myself.

There is absolutely nothing right about this story. I mean NOTHING. Let me provide the first sentence of the article that caught my eye and you will be able to pretty quickly discern what I am saying:

A Florida woman freed herself from a camel by biting its testicles at the Tiger Truck Stop in Grosse Tete last week after she crawled into the animal’s pen to retrieve her dog and the camel sat on her, authorities said.

Any questions?

The article goes on to explain that the woman’s husband “had been throwing treats to their dog under Caspar the camel’s fence” at a truck stop petting zoo. The dog went inside the enclosure after the treats and “began interacting with the camel.” The woman went to retrieve the dog, and the camel sat on her.

Honest to God, you can’t make this stuff up.

So, where do we begin? The husband is an idiot. Who tries to lure a family pet into a camel enclosure? And of course, the woman would be from Florida. After all, we don’t want #FloridaMan getting a leg up on the female gender. And speaking of Florida Man, where was the husband while all of this was transpiring? Was he attempting to free his wife from underneath said camel? Or was he still tossing treats?

And who ever heard of a truck stop petting zoo? 1957 called, and they want their campy tourist trap back. 

The only sympathetic character in this tale is poor old Caspar the Camel. Imagine just standing there, minding your own business in a pen at a truck stop petting zoo, perhaps wondering how the Russians managed to beat the US to space with the launch of that new Sputnik thingy, when some moron entices his dog to come in and start harassing you. To make matters worse, the moron’s wife also enters the scene. Naturally you would do what any self-respecting camel would do, you sit on her. After all, you are just protecting your turf in the only way you know how. 

And she bites you in the balls. Talk about hitting below the belt.

Fortunately for Caspar, an investigation found that he had done nothing wrong, although with the benefit of hindsight he probably wished he had just spit at her. Iberville Parish Deputy Louis Hamilton Jr. told the assembled media throng that the couple had “provoked the camel before it sat on the woman.” He said, “The camel did nothing wrong. They (the couple) were aggressive. The camel was just doing its normal routine.” I’m not sure what a camel’s normal routine looks like, but I’ll take his word for it. 

Authorities also noted that they did not find the truck stop liable for any injuries because Caspar was enclosed in a pen with a 6-foot-high fence, and signs warning visitors to stay out were posted every 10 feet along the fence.

Apparently #FloridaMan and #FloridaWoman are not capable of reading. That means they will probably have to have someone read to them the citation they received for a leash law violation and criminal trespassing. Louisiana State law prohibits people from letting dogs run free on enclosed or unenclosed private property. I’m not sure what the law says about performing unnatural acts on a camel’s private parts. But it should say something if it does not already.

On a somewhat related note, as a 35-year resident of Florida I must defend my state regarding this growing #FloridaMan meme-fest. We are a state comprised almost entirely of a citizenry that immigrated from elsewhere in the nation. I maintain that most of the really crazy stuff you read about regarding so called “Florida Man” activities are the product of people from Ohio who were awarded disability and then moved here to do stupid crap.

Just sayin’. But I digress…..

There was no word on whether Caspar was injured during the encounter. If this happened in California, he would probably have been classified as an employee and entitled to workers’ compensation benefits, since AB5 has declared virtually every living thing there permanently employed. But alas, this was not the Golden State, and any claim he might make is likely to be denied.

The truck stop also has in its petting zoo a miniature horse, a baby kangaroo and a coati, which is a member of the raccoon family. Fortunately, they were not involved in the altercation, which means their testicles were safe.

Like I said; nothing was right about this story. Nothing at all.

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