My God, I am freaking brilliant. In the blink of an eye, I took two major labor stories that have been in the news of late, combined them, and simultaneously solved two controversial labor issues. This is yet another idea for which I'll probably be awarded a Nobel Prize. Or a Pulitzer. Maybe a Booby – whatever organization gives out awards for solving labor issues no one else wants to address.

The last few weeks there has been a chorus of protest that fast food and Walmart workers in this country need to be paid a “livable” wage, instead of the paltry minimum wage this country mandates. This cacophonous disruption is coming from groups around the nation including academics, intellectuals, union workers, fast food workers, national media, and other people who do not understand what an entry level job is. The amount most often cited as a “livable wage” is $15 per hour. Let me assure you, that is about what I make, and it is livable so long as you work over 90 hours a week. 

Also in the news this week is a group of strippers that successfully won a class action suit against an adult entertainment company, entitling them to be classified as employees, and thereby requiring them to be paid, get this, minimum wage.  This despite the fact that some of them in court proceedings admitted to earning up to $1,000 a night in tips. I'm wondering if that is the same thing they told the IRS… 

Anyway, we now find ourselves in the untenable position of recognizing that fast food and Walmart workers are entitled to $15 an hour, but strippers are only going to get minimum wage. 

I don't think that is fair. Strippers are willing to give their all, or bare it, anyway, in the goal of total customer satisfaction. They are willing to go to the mat, literally in some cases, to see their customer leaves with an infectious smile, or at least something that is infectious. This may seem like a victory for them, but it is truly a step backwards.

Enter my simplistic yet brilliant solution. We simply combine the job codes. We make fast food and Walmart workers strippers. Think of it; they would make at least $15 an hour, and the required offset in prices would be much more palatable. Many customers in this scenario wouldn't mind shelling out $8 for a Big Mac or Whopper. Come to think of it, Big Mac and Whopper could take on different meanings in this environment, so we had best be careful. Other phrases with potentially significant changes in fast food lexicon would be “supersize me”, “special sauce” and “would you like fries with that”. It should also go without saying that the position of Walmart greeter would quickly become the most popular one in the store. 

The Happy Meal would become the Happy Ending Meal. And it would cost $200. This would probably even change the type of little toy that is included with the box.

Other impacts – There would be required some fairly significant safety modifications, particularly around the deep fryers and grill area. Workers' comp would be a definitive concern, especially if the wrong buns end up getting toasted. Finding a place to clip those unwieldy Walmart name badges would be a challenge. Over time we could see an improvement in the health of customers, since virtually no one would use the drive thru anymore. Everyone would, for reasons not completely misunderstood, park their cars and walk inside. Fathers would spend more time with their children, or at least be nearby while their kids toiled in the play area or parking lot for hours on end.

Overall, this is a win-win for workers, business and consumerism in general. No need to thank me. For me it is just all in a day's work. Although I would like a Nobel or Pulitzer on my desk. I need something substantive to keep all the papers from sliding around. Probably just end up with a Booby, but if my fast food stripper plan works out they will be much easier to come by.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *