Last February I wrote an article about a hook up app called “Bang a Professional”. It was a spinoff of an apparently successful Facebook app called “Bang With Friends”, which allows amorous individuals to signify their carnal interest in another without embarrassment. The app only notifies both individuals if the target of your “banging” desire happens to indicate (through the app) that they would like to bang you as well. I highly recommend, if you have not yet done so, that you read that article prior to proceeding with this one. I just don’t feel up to writing all that stuff over again, not to mention having to take a cold shower when I am through. Go ahead. You can read it here. I’ll wait. 

Ok. Now that you’ve read all about the app Bang a Professional, and you’ve taken a few minutes to desperately search the Android or Apple App Store for it, we may proceed. 

After all that hullabaloo, and the joyous rapture of tech minded people who thought they were safe and secure from rejection and the related embarrassment using the initial app “Bang With Friends”, comes revelations that a bug in the software means their longing desires might not have been as private as originally thought. It turns out that, on Facebook anyway, friends and relatives are now sharing a link that apparently tells them which of their friends is using “Bang With Friends”.

That’s beautiful. Nothing like having your Mommy call you in the morning asking you about your banging intentions. Even better, this could change the entire dynamic of meddling mothers and their loser sons. Instead of fixing Sonny up with their bridge club partner’s granddaughter, they could merely suggest that the two young adults “bang tag” each other, and see “how it flows”. 

What apparently is not yet at risk (give it time) is specifically who your friends have designated on their desired love lists. When that happens, our entire social system, or what little is left of it, will break down. Some people will be appalled to learn that they are in creepy Johnny’s love queue, while others will be hurt that they are omitted. The result is likely someday we will all have to use these apps, whether we are married or not, and indicate an interest in everyone we know, lest we offend by either inclusion or exclusion. Then we have to deal with the awkward situations when one of those listed only for the politically correct reasoning of inclusion indicates a mutual interest that is not in fact based in reality. This is similar to when you have to invite your mothers bridge partner’s granddaughter to your birthday party because your mother made you, not because you want to bang her. 

I can’t wait for the inevitable equivalent issue with the LinkedIn centric version of Bang a Professional. Perhaps we will all start to see notifications that we are only “2 connections away from banging” some person. Even worse, some people may find they share more than just 157 common connections. Ewwwwww.

When the privacy of the whole sordid affair is stripped away, it becomes, well, sordid.

Is anyone picking up on the concept that this is probably a bad idea? I don’t know when all this changed. I am not even sure when “dating” became “banging”. Something funny happened on the way to decorum. We lost our way, and are now clinging to a slippery slope of technology managed mating rituals that diminish our humanity and degrade our society.  

It’s enough to make you want to bang your head against a wall. Too bad there is not an app for that.


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