I would love to be a fly on the wall for this guys next employee performance review. 

A Georgia Health Sciences University lab tech was arrested after being discovered in a campus locker room partying with lab monkeys.

Apparently 32-year-old Coley Mitchell was jailed after he was found intoxicated with his pants down in a locker room, while two lab monkeys were found roaming free, outside their cages. 

That has got to be embarrassing. I hate it when that happens.

Mitchell was booked into Richmond County jail on charges of public intoxication. As much as I would enjoy hearing this little episode discussed on his next review, an even better conversation would have been the one when he phoned someone to bail him out. 

I imagine it went something like this:

“Now Coley, slow down…… I thought you said monkeys….. Real monkeys? What? Why were their pants down?……. Oh. Why were YOUR pants down?……. Now Coley, you remember the last time something like this happened…… I know, but the dog is still in therapy…… Ok, I am coming down to get you, but we are not telling your father. You remember how upset he was at the movie Planet of the Apes. This will just start everything over again.”

Authorities reported the monkeys were examined and found to be unharmed. It is unclear whether the school has arranged for crisis counselors to be available in the event the monkeys need them. I don’t even know how authorities even came to find them in the locker room, but I suspect someone became suspicious when one of the little monkeys ordered a pizza, but didn’t have enough cash to pay the delivery man. Those little bastards do stuff like that all the time. You just can’t trust a partying monkey.

I tell you all this so that, as you proceed with your day managing claims, or performing other HR or risk management related duties, you can know that, no matter how bad it seems, no matter the pressures you feel, no matter how bleak your job may appear, you are probably still better off than the risk guy at Georgia Health Sciences University. Completing an incident report involving monkeys and pant-less lab techs can never be a good thing.


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