This is really an alteration of the “News of the Weird” reports that occasionally run in this spot. With all of the fear that robots and artificial intelligence will soon be taking all of our jobs, this is a discussion of just a few of the new types of work opportunities that technology or innovative thinking are creating. Today we will review the positions of Instagram Butt Model, Shoplifting Lookout and Creepy Photographer. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

First up we have an Instagram Butt Model who had to hire a plastic surgeon to certify her ass as real. 

Really, we could probably just stop right there, but of course, we will not. The Instagram Butt Model is one of the exciting new positions that technology has made available to our workforce. This particular 19-year-old woman has been graced with a somewhat curvaceous Gluteus Maximus, and as the pictures show, her Gluteus is more Maximus than the average bear. She is an “influencer,” and she makes her living by wearing sexy outfits that show off her butt, and posting them to Instagram. I am not sure how traditional workplace metrics, such as productivity and output analyses are conducted, but I am sure they have figured something out.

The young woman was accused of faking her butt by photoshopping the pictures. She hired a doctor, who posted a video assuring the masses that her mass of an ass was indeed real. In the video she is standing in thong underwear with her rear end facing the Beverly Hills-based doctor, who describes his patient’s profile. He says, “I have a natural young athletic female, who has a genetically blessed body. A lot of people are hating on you saying your butt’s not real on IG. I am going to certify it as a buttocks that is real.”

So there.

I think that, should I someday be replaced by artificial intelligence, or any intelligence for that matter, I would like to try being an Instagram Butt Model. I do not have an extraordinary ass, but there are many people who think that I am an extraordinary ass. So, there is that. We will have to see.

Next up, we learned this week of a new position called the Shoplifter Lookout. It is a position that requires one to watch for security or other risks while co-workers hide things in their underwear for the purposes of theft. This will come in very handy during the end of days, where security robots will be armed with lasers, and all of us are trying to steal the world’s last can of tuna. We learned of this new position opportunity in a story about a mother in Arizona who was arrested for allegedly punching her son for being a bad lookout as his grandmother tried to shoplift.

This one has “family counseling” written all over it. 

The 27-year-old woman was taken into custody after police officers in Phoenix apparently witnessed her beating her 7-year-old son. They had walked out of a Walmart (of course) when cops watched her “spanking” the boy, “then slapping him and finally punching him in the face.”

According to the source story, the documents allege that “The boy allegedly told investigators that he was hit because “he didn’t watch out for his grandma good enough” as she was shoplifting inside the Walmart.” I am sure the young man has another lesson in his future; one related to snitching on his mother and grandmother to the po-po. I am not sure this is what they meant when they talk about instilling “family values.” This group must be a real yuck-fest at Thanksgiving. Still, the position of Shoplifter Lookout seems to be getting formalized to some degree, even if the training and industry standards are still in a bit of flux.

And finally, while the position of Creepy Photographer does not as of yet have much usefulness in society, there seem to be people intent on honing the skills required for the position. A 66-year-old personal injury attorney from the San Francisco area was arrested last week for allegedly using a shoe camera to look up the skirt of a young girl in an Apple store. Police indicate he had “allegedly taped a camera to his shoe and then “moved his shoe so that the camera was under a female juvenile’s dress” at an Apple Store in Walnut Creek.”  

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have used a 35mm Fujica ST701 Single Lens Reflex camera, which is a traditionally sized camera that weighs about two pounds. It was probably a tad too noticeable. As we know, attorneys aren’t the best when it comes to application of technology. The young girl’s father witnessed the smooth maneuver and gave chase to the man. 

He might have escaped, but he likely learned that running with a camera taped to your shoe has a tendency to slow you down. I bet he got some great shots of the takedown, however.

(And for the record, we really don’t know what type of camera he used. We employed a bit of artistic license there)

The attorney was admitted to the State Bar of California in 1986. According to the source story, he founded an injury law center “in response to the public’s need for a personal injury attorney with honesty, integrity and a new understanding of the needs of injured clients.” I’m willing to bet “photography enthusiast” will not be appearing on his bio anytime soon. He might be able to do some consulting work with the mother managing the Shoplifting Lookout. His technological skills might come in handy there.

And there you have it. A Friday reminder that creative minds are generating new opportunities, and that stupid exists far outside the realm of workers’ compensation.  

Have a great weekend.

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