No, I’m not looking for an assistant. This story is about some other egotistical twit. Actually, it is about someone who sounds like an egomaniacal dumbass; one who needs an assistant to do his actual job.

Perhaps I should ‘splain a bit.

A help wanted ad on the website went viral last week simply because of its incredibly arrogant content. A 28-year-old “entrepreneur” (which coincidentally and in this case accurately rhymes with manure) posted the ad looking for a “part-time assistant” who understood there would be no “clocking in or out” on the job, and that they should become accustomed to long hard work as well as after hours and weekend duties.

Sounds like part-time work to me.

According to Fox News, the listing detailed “many personal and professional criteria of the job, including never being able to clock off, extensive duties ranging from content creation to cleaning and property management.” It also talked about the successful applicant having “a desire to lead from behind.”

This would be a good time to point out that there is a huge difference between leading from behind, and leading with your behind. It sounds as though this ass doesn’t know the difference.

Some other gems from the job post are:

“If you want to clock in and clock out of your job — this isn’t for you. Expect after-hours and weekend calls from time to time. Life doesn’t stop when the work day does — high performers work until their tasks are done, NOT just until the clock runs out.”

“This will be the most challenging and the most rewarding position you’ve ever had … it is an opportunity to look inside the mind of a successful, fast-paced, intense, sometimes chaotic, passionate, easygoing, adventurous 28-year-old entrepreneur.”

“From the inner workings of business operations, high-level social soirees, business negotiations, property management and business travel — to handling and owning the challenging moments and tasks that a successful business and bizarre, interesting personal life is built on, you’ll get to experience it all first-hand. With a close relationship, you’ll learn his personality and voice and ultimately manage the majority of his day to day activities, scheduling, correspondence, project management, research and errands — among other activities.”

A bizarre, interesting personal life? Do whips and chains come with this position, or must the new hire provide them? Would they still be tax deductible under the new federal tax code?

The following is my personal favorite in this recruiting disaster. He tells any assistant wannabe that, to be successful:

“You need to be INCREDIBLY organised (sic), intellectual, honesty, have integrity, tech-savvy… and able to help maintain alignment in the CEO’s life. You will be held personally responsible for making the CEO look good, feel good and perform at a higher level.”

Plus, they need to know how to spell “organized” and be able to construct a proper sentence, ‘cause this guy clearly can’t. He doesn’t need a new assistant. He needs his mommy. Actually, he needs to be slapped around by his mommy.

This new assistant will also be responsible for “miscellaneous tasks” from “coffee to contract execution” (Seriously? Just coffee to contract execution? He couldn’t slide a bit further down the alphabet? Perhaps coffee to inventory at least?) They will also have to organize events, travel to events and orchestrate the “rest of the team’s travel to these events.” The job also “requires writing articles, creating digital assets, looking after the CEO’s properties as well as cleaning the office and maintaining office supplies.” They will also need to be comfortable with profanity.

I know I would use a lot of it working for this clown.

All this for the princely sum of $50,000 a year. The ad did not specify if that is what the applicant would earn, or if it was what they had to pay in order for the opportunity to work for such an exquisite and extraordinary person.

What a total schmuck.

I am sure that the applications are still rolling in. Damn shame the guy doesn’t have an assistant to read, sort, process, organize and grade them; or tell him what to think about them. In a day and age where Millennials are rightly pushing back against the stereotypes that they are pampered and vein, this guy rolls in to push them back into their parent’s basement with the most arrogant job post we’ve seen since, well, ever.

The job is still likely open, if you wish to apply. He is right about one thing, it would be a unique experience. Not everyone gets the opportunity to work with a dynamic entremanure.

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