I shouldn’t be writing about this. I should instead be making a beeline to a US Patent Office to secure these ideas and ensure for myself a vast amount of future riches. But, that sounds like a lot of work, and I hate paperwork so what the hell. Might as well share these here. I’ve discovered several miracle cures that we, with a bit of imagination, can probably use in the workers’ compensation industry.
The idea really coalesced today while I was attending a panel on marijuana at the annual conference of the California Coalition on Workers’ Compensation held here in Anaheim. The panelists were quite good. While they were jabbering on about the differences between medical marijuana and legalized recreational marijuana, a friend sitting next me, who lives in California where recreational pot was legalized this year, pointed out that many people in the state who have been dependent on medical cards to secure their stash will no longer need them. They will be suddenly healed of glaucoma, chronic pain, athlete’s foot, halitosis and whatever other cockamamy ailment they had been suffering that required medical marijuana.
They will have been miraculously cured of whatever ailed them. Hallelujah.
Obviously, we need to immediately legalize recreational marijuana everywhere it is currently available for medical use. Then we just need to sit back and watch God’s graceful hand heal the sick and needy. For this plan to work, however, we must resolve to NEVER pay for marijuana as part of a medicinal regimen. If we pay for it as medicine, God will never heal the ailing. They will stay infirmed forever.
But marijuana isn’t the only miracle cure I’ve discovered. Believe it or not, there are more. One of the most consistently effective I’ve ever seen is the airplane pre-board process. Flight after flight, city after city, I witness this miracle occurring. The airline allows those people with disabilities, or needing extra time, to board before everyone else. A parade of wheelchairs, walkers, old folks, gimpers and limpers stream onto the aircraft. Many need assistance to accomplish this. Some on the surface do not appear to have anything wrong with them, but they clearly qualify for that blue pre-board sleeve, so something must be amiss. Then after just a few mere hours of flying around in the sky, most of them walk off the plane without any impingement or care in the world.
They have been miraculously cured of whatever ailed them. Hallelujah.
We should try this with our injured workers. We could send them on a flight somewhere – the duration or distance does not seem to matter – and then have a team on hand when they land to finalize the paperwork and close the claim. Many of them will be healed of whatever ails them. Hallelujah.
Hey, I’m just going with the science. You cannot argue with the results we’ve seen.
Another source of miracle cures that we could potentially employ is quitting time. I know in many offices quitting time produces just astounding results, restoring life and vitality to those who had been at deaths door just moments prior. The challenge for us in workers’ comp, however, is that we need to get the injured back to work before they have healed so they can in fact experience the miraculous quitting time healing bonanza. This may in fact be the most difficult miracle cure of the ones I have mentioned for that very reason. Still, it is worth considering.
After all, if we can find miracle cures for the people in our charge, then we will have been cured of whatever ailed us. Hallelujah.