It has become obvious to me that political correctness, that creeping, insidious thought-cancer that has permeated every fiber of our societal existence, is here to stay. It is equally obvious to me that some of you Neanderthals that read my blog are still struggling with the concept, and this may be limiting your social and economic development in this new world order. I therefore, acting in my usual role of humble public servant, have decided to impart upon you the intuitive wisdom of my lifetime, culminating in this here really special Guide to Political Correctness.

Listen up, you hairy knuckle draggers (you know who you are). I’m only going to say this once.

There are two Absolute Tenets to Political Correctness, supported by a number of Guiding Principles. While the Guiding Principles are important to the facilitation of Political Correctness, it is the two Absolute Tenets that must be obeyed at all times in order for Political Correctness to effectively work and rule the day.

Absolute Tenet Number One: We are all the same; everyone is equal. There are no winners or losers, only homogenous participants. Winners may not exist, or otherwise losers would feel bad about not being winners, and since there are no losers we can’t have any winners. That would be a losing scenario, if there was such a thing as losing. But there isn’t and that is a winner for all of us, if there was such a thing as winning. But there is not. We are all exactly the same, and are absolutely equal.

Absolute Tenet Number Two: We are all vastly different. We must celebrate our extraordinary diversity. Embracing our diversity allows us to demonstrate that we are not bad people who make all our decisions based on race, nationality, gender, age, disability, sexual orientation and religion. We demonstrate this enlightenment, of course, by making all our decisions based on race, nationality, gender, age, disability, sexual orientation and religion. Whether we are competent or even capable of accomplishing a task for which we have been assembled is not relevant. What is relevant is that collectively we are balanced and representative of a broader and inclusively diverse culture. It is vital that we are black, white, yellow, brown, red (did I miss anybody?), male or female (did I miss anybody?), old, middle age or young (did I miss anybody?), straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual (did I miss anybody?), mentally impaired, physically impaired, mentally and physically impaired (did I miss anybody?), Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Druid, Atheist, and Satanist (did I miss anybody?). We all must be represented, so that we may be completely equal by celebrating our absolute diversity.

As previously noted, these two Absolute Tenets represent the rock solid foundation of Political Correctness. On that foundation we now construct our PC “Den of Equity” with these associated Guiding Principles:

Guiding Principle #1 – Successful diversity may be judged, to the extent Political Correctness allows judgement, by the effective mix of the variety of demographic representations outlined in Absolute Tenet #2. Virtually any combination of those representations will result in a positive diversity score, with the exception of old, white and male. Those are conditionally diverse categories, normally qualifying as diverse unless an individual represents all three concurrently. Christian also may lower a diversity score, especially when combined with old, white and male.

Guiding Principle #2 – The notion of success, particularly when applied to diversity achievement based on Absolute Tenet #2, shall not be confused with “winning”, which is not possible or permissible under Absolute Tenet #1.

Guiding Principle #3 – Political correctness represents enlightened open minded thought, accepting of any and all beliefs and philosophies, unless of course those beliefs and philosophies are in conflict with open minded politically correct thoughts. In that case, those wrong views and thoughts shall be thought of as “unenlightened”. 

Guiding Principle #4 – Unenlightened thinkers are stupid, intolerant morons who should be burned at the stake for heresy.

Guiding Principle #5 – Conservatives are unenlightened thinkers.

Guiding Principle #6 – The crimes committed by criminals must be judged more for the motivation and thought behind the crime, rather than the actual act of the crime. After all, if a person possesses unenlightened thought in any capacity it violates Guiding Principle #3 (see guiding Principle #4).

Guiding Principle #7 – Unapproved thoughts are illegal thoughts, and cannot be tolerated. They must be banned so that absolute tolerance may be achieved.

Guiding Principle #8 – Tolerance and understanding must be extended to all, with the exception of those categorized under Guiding Principles #5 or #7. 

Guiding Principle #9 – Those who encounter people classified under Guiding Principle #5 while engaged in Guiding Principle #8 should immediately refer to Guiding Principle #4. 

Guiding Principle #10 – Questioning the PC zeitgeist is strictly prohibited. Any and all dissent must be crushed. Tolerance and open minded thought must be protected at any cost.

And there you have it. The basic underlying foundation and structural makeup of Political Correctness. Gaining a comprehensive understanding of this topic takes time, particularly if you fall under Guiding Principle #5.

Many liberals think that conservatives such as myself do not appreciate political correctness or its cherished notion of diversity. They could not be further from the truth. We conservatives truly embrace diversity, on the condition, of course, that everyone does it exactly the same way. And when you really think about it, that is not so different from our PC counterparts on the left.

I hope this helps clarify things. If it does not, or if you disagree, that is fine. I understand completely. However, you may wish to once again review Guiding Principle #4.


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