Well, it finally happened. Scientists have managed to study what every HR manager has suspected since smartphones became ubiquitous: those 20-minute “bio breaks” are literally becoming a pain in the ass. And I mean that in the most medically accurate way possible.
Researchers at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center—who apparently had nothing better to do than ask 125 colonoscopy patients about their toilet habits—have discovered that scrolling on your phone while conducting your business increases your hemorrhoid risk by 46%. That’s right, folks. Nearly half. Your Instagram feed is literally giving you a medical condition that sounds like something from a medieval plague journal.
Now, before you clutch your pearls (or your posterior), let me be clear: I’m not here to judge anyone’s bathroom habits. Lord knows I’ve read entire quarterly reports while “indisposed.” But as someone who’s spent decades in the workers’ compensation industry, I can’t help but see the liability landmine this study has just uncovered.
Think about it. We’ve created the perfect storm of workplace injury potential. On one hand, employers have been quietly celebrating the fact that workers remain “productive” even during nature’s calls. Those Slack messages keep flowing, emails get answered, and somehow Karen from accounting manages to update three spreadsheets during what she calls her “morning constitutional.”
On the other hand, we now have medical evidence that this very behavior is creating a legitimate health condition. And where do most people spend their extended toilet time? That’s right—at work. Suddenly, that employee bathroom becomes ground zero for potential workers’ compensation claims.
Dr. Chethan Ramprasad, the gastroenterologist who led the study (and who probably has the most awkward dinner party conversation starter ever), notes that it’s not really about what you’re doing on your phone. “Whether someone is reading email or playing a game, the risk likely comes from how long they’re sitting,” he explained, presumably while trying to keep a straight face.
Enter The Phone Throne
Picture this scenario: Bob from IT develops hemorrhoids. Bob can prove he spends 45 minutes daily in the office restroom answering work emails. Bob’s lawyer argues this is a repetitive stress injury caused by work-related activities in a work-provided facility. Suddenly, you’re not just dealing with a pain in the ass—you’re dealing with a pain in the assets.
The study found that 66% of participants admitted to using their phones on the toilet. Let’s be honest—the other 34% are lying. But here’s where it gets interesting for the workers’ comp world: younger workers in their 40s and 50s were especially prone to this behavior. That’s prime working age, folks. That’s your middle management, your experienced workforce, your people who should know better but absolutely don’t.
And let’s not forget the study’s finding that phone users typically sat for more than five minutes, while only 7% of non-users lingered that long. Five minutes! In workers’ comp time, that’s practically an eternity. That’s long enough to develop not just hemorrhoids, but probably carpal tunnel from the scrolling and neck strain from the looking down.
Introducing The Squatty Potty Defense
Now, the good doctor mentions that toilet stools (the furniture kind, not the other kind) can help by putting the body in a more natural squatting position. But as he wisely notes, “If you’re on your phone for 10 minutes, you’re still exposing those veins to pressure.”
Can you imagine the workers’ comp hearing? “Your Honor, my client’s employer failed to provide adequate ergonomic bathroom equipment, specifically a Squatty Potty, despite knowing that 66% of their workforce admits to engaging in extended toilet sessions for work-related activities, and the other 34% lies about it.”
I can see the OSHA regulations now: “All workplace restrooms must be equipped with anti-hemorrhoid positioning devices and timer alarms set for 3 minutes. Phones must be surrendered at the bathroom door like we’re entering a classified government facility.”
The Bottom Line (Pun Absolutely Intended)
Look, we’ve navigated workers’ comp claims for everything from paper cuts to that guy in Colorado who got left on a mountain during a team-building exercise (yes, that really happened, and yes, there was probably a claim). But this? This is uncharted territory.
We’re talking about a condition that affects 4 million Americans annually, caused by an activity that literally everyone does, exacerbated by a device that everyone carries, happening in a location that every workplace provides. It’s the perfect storm of liability.
The researchers are calling for more long-term studies to confirm causality. In the meantime, Dr. Ramprasad’s advice is simple: “Do what you need to do, then stand up and move on.”
But we all know that’s not going to happen. As long as there are smartphones and bathrooms, there will be scrolling. And as long as there’s scrolling on company time in company facilities, there’s going to be some enterprising attorney figuring out how to make this a compensable claim.
So, employers, you might want to update your employee handbooks. Add a section on “Proper Toilet Posture and Time Management.” Maybe institute a “No Phone Zone” policy for restrooms. Or just accept that in 2025, getting hemorrhoids from doom-scrolling on the company toilet might just be the new “slipped on a banana peel.”
Either way, one thing’s for certain: those “Employees Must Wash Hands” signs are about to get a lot more complex. May I suggest adding “And Limit Sitting Time to Prevent Vascular Complications”?
After all, in the world of workers’ compensation, it’s better to be safe than… well, you know.
Editors note: Bob Wilson has somehow managed to turn bathroom humor into a workers’ compensation article. He’s not proud of it, but he’s not exactly ashamed either. He promises his next piece will be more highbrow. Probably.
Bob – thanks for making me think, while reading this while performing a vital bodily function. It was the thinking part that created pain, not the other thing.
Regardless, or irregardless depending on your preference for non-words, I saw the sign, “Employees must wash hands” and waited for an employee come to do that for me. After a while, when they didn’t show, I did it myself and left. We’ll see if I go back to that establishment!!