As a virtual paragon of fitness and health, I am at times encumbered by the knowledge that many of the people in my life, both near and distant, are not blessed with the excellent physical stature and well-being that I have managed to attain. Since all within the workers’ compensation industry could benefit from positive wellness, and with the holiday festivities upon us, I feel beholden to share just a few of my fitness secrets so that others less fortunate may benefit from my wisdom and experience. Gaining perfect health and stature won’t be easy, trust me.

After all, a body like mine does not just happen overnight. It takes years of abuse and neglect to get where I am. And pizza. An inordinate amount of pizza.

Nevertheless, I have perfected some exercise routines and strategies that everyone can easily benefit from. Feel free to try them next time you are at the gym. I think you’ll find them enlightening – if not actually “lightening” in any other manner.

Tip # 1 – Modern aerobic equipment can track the number of calories you are burning while using them. All you need to do is enter your weight, and the machine does the rest. This can at times be disheartening, for after huffing, puffing, and wheezing away on a treadmill for an hour you discover you have burned off the equivalent of half a slice of cheese. There is a solution, however. Simply tell the machine that you weigh 400 pounds. The number of calories you burn will increase exponentially.

Tip #2 – Aerobics class instructors often give brief instructions for new members who have joined their classes. When they ask if anyone has any questions, DO NOT ask if ice cream will be served afterward. Not only will you be disappointed that no ice cream will be available, but the instructors also seem to genuinely resent the question. That is probably because they are embarrassed that they forgot to bring the ice cream. Silly instructors.

Tip #3 – January is the worst month for going to the gym. It is packed with New Year’s resolution people, commonly referred to by gym regulars as “The January’s”. They hog the equipment and generally clog the facility with their ignorance and lack of gym etiquette. Not to worry, however. They are all gone by the end of the month. At least that is what I’ve been told. I’ve never actually seen it.

Tip #4 – Proper attire is crucial for a good workout experience. Thongs are not appropriate attire for this environment. At least that is what the lady at the check-in desk told me. I was kind of embarrassed.

Tip #5 – Never eat candy while in the gym. You drop one tootsie roll in the shower and the whole place freaks out.

Tip #6 – When your personal trainer tells you they have a new exercise you’re “going to love”, trust me. You won’t.

Tip #7 – If you bring doughnuts to the gym, bring enough for everybody. People look at you funny if you don’t.

Tip #8 – Always try to work out next to fat people who are in the gym for the very first time. This will simultaneously make you look thinner AND smarter.

Tip #9 – Equipment in a busy gym can be difficult to access. Therefore, when you find that an exercise machine you want to use is available, stake your claim as if you found gold. Sit on it between sets. Take your time. Check your email. Play Words With Friends. Make a phone call while you are on it. And most importantly, ignore others who appear to be waiting to use it. They are just jealous that you found gold before they did.

Tip #10 – When lifting a very heavy set of weights resist at all costs the urge to yell out “Oh, Mommy!” or some equally unmanly phrase. Instead, simply scream and grunt loudly as if you were a Howler Monkey attracting a mate. To top it off, drop your weights from a respectable distance when you are done so that the crashing sound reverberates throughout the gym. Those “Do Not Drop Weights” signs are for pansies. Lawyers made them place those signs – they don’t really mean it. You won’t lose any weight with this tip, but you will earn the enviable respect of all the gym regulars. And the Januarys.

There you have it. Ten bits of wisdom to make your gym excursion more productive, entertaining, safer, and fun. Follow this advice and you too could soon look like me. No need to thank me. Improving your life is what I do.

That, and we’re going to need a bigger pair of pants.

 

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