I am putting you on notice. I will likely win a Pulitzer Award for this article. True, being just three sentences into it I haven’t even written it yet, but the idea is just that good. Or the award might be a Nobel Prize for my contribution to humanity. That is more likely, since the Nobel Committee has proven in recent years they’ll give that award to anyone, whether they’ve earned it or not.
I read this week that new studies have shown that having sex makes you smarter.
One study examined the intellectual prowess of people who had been engaged in sexually active thought, where they found that the release offered by sexual gratification can promote brain growth. The other measured the growing brain mass of sexually active rodents as compared to their virgin counterparts. Researchers found a strong correlation between sexual activities and increased mental acuity. Plus they had some really happy rodents.
The same could not be said for the nerd rodent control group, unfortunately.
As a man who has been married 15 years and suffers from MISD (Maritally Induced Sex Deprivation – pronounced, appropriately, “Missed”), this would explain why I am as dumb as a brick. But that is not the point. The point is, and this is the Pulitzer winning point, is that we can use this information to improve workplace safety and accident prevention.
Most of us will agree that injuries on the job are most often caused by what could be described as a lack of awareness, carelessness or outright stupidity. In fact, it quite often traces back to stupidity on the part of someone or something. I am not suggesting the injured worker is always to blame. It could be others whose actions caused it, but many accidents can be traced back to a failure in process, protocol or procedure that ultimately can be linked to a stupid act or decision.
So, logic would dictate that if stupid is dangerous, smart must be safer. And if sex makes you smarter and smarter is safer, than sex at work will make you safer on the job. It will make us all safer.
This is a revolutionary concept that will radically alter the workplace as we know it. It will require some very specific enabling actions on the part of employers. To begin with, scrap those silly sexual harassment policies. Turns out they are in the way of stunning intellectual growth, and are just making us dumber. The same goes for those pesky restrictions on fraternization. Harsh fluorescent lighting is out; soft, romantic mood lighting is in. Companies should perhaps consider making coffee breaks “conjugal breaks” instead. The Board Room meeting becomes the Bed Room meeting. And group motivational gatherings will take on an entirely different tone. Morale and safety through intelligent awareness will vastly improve.
And this brings an entirely new context to the phrase “boning up for the big sales presentation”.
This also dramatically changes the rules of the road for those employees on the road. I was very critical of a workers’ comp award given to an Australian employee injured having sex in her motel room while on a business trip. I was wrong to criticize her. She was clearly honing her intellect in order to provide her employer the finest work and performance possible. The fact that she injured herself in the face by pulling a light fixture off the wall during intercourse was probably because her “expanded intellect” hadn’t had time to develop. I suspect it is a cumulative thing.
I wouldn’t really know. I am unable to research this theory personally on the road without a note from my wife.
This is a game changer for conferences as well, although some are already on to this, and thereby ahead of the curve. The annual booze fest in Orlando, it turns out, really has been making lots of people smarter after all. They should give extra CEU’s for the carnal intellect building that takes place there. That would be especially helpful since very few actually attend any sessions at that event.
A safer workplace and reduced workers comp costs are just a couple of the benefits your company would see from these changes. Your firm would undoubtedly become an employer of choice, attracting other bright people who are simply interested in becoming the smartest they can be. Efficiency would increase, productivity would likely soar.
I am telling you, do this right and you’ll soon have your offices and factory floors humming like a cage full of oversexed gerbils.
If you are a woman who is offended by this concept, and in fact find yourself thoroughly disgusted by the notion I present, I have the solution for you. Turns out this practice may actually help you. There is a third study that shows that “feelings of disgust in women are diminished by sexual arousal”. That will be the topic of another post entirely in the very near future. I'm not sure who is behind all these sex studies, but some people clearly have too much time on their hands.
Finally, you might be wondering how a man who suffers MISD could envision what is admittedly such a brilliant concept. I wondered that as well, and found the answer in the very sex/intellect studies we mentioned. As you will recall, the human subjects studied weren’t actually engaged in sexual conduct, they were merely measured after “thinking about” sexually enticing activities. So it appears that just thinking about sex will make you smarter.
In that case, I’m good. In fact, I’m a frickin’ genius.